


The Pain Of Living (can be such a dull ache)

by koreabooeauty



Series: Jeremiah Heere Talks About His Problems (not before running from them) [1]
Category: Be More Chill - Iconis/Tracz
Genre: Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Bisexual Jeremy Heere, Eating Disorder Not Otherwise Specified, F/F, Fake/Pretend Relationship, Gay Michael Mell, Good Friend Christine Canigula, I Wrote This Instead of Sleeping, Implied/Referenced Sexual Assault, Jeremy Heere Has a Crush on Michael Mell, Jewish Jeremy Heere, M/M, Oblivious Michael Mell, Pining Jeremy Heere, Stuttering Jeremy Heere, Unhealthy Coping Mechanisms
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-12-30
Updated: 2019-12-30
Packaged: 2021-02-27 05:29:43
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 7,172
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22031836
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/koreabooeauty/pseuds/koreabooeauty
Summary: "Third wheeling cannot be that fun, Jere."Michael wasn't wrong, even if he said it in that snarky tone that made Jeremy was to punch him in his beautiful face while simultaneously dying where he stood. It wasn't like Jeremiah Heere enjoyed joining Jake and Rich on their dates, or lying about doing so. But he preferred it over the alternate option.The alternate option, Chloe Valentine.
Relationships: Brooke Lohst/Chloe Valentine, Jake Dillinger/Rich Goranski/Jeremy Heere, Jeremy Heere/Michael Mell
Series: Jeremiah Heere Talks About His Problems (not before running from them) [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1585825
Comments: 2
Kudos: 71





	The Pain Of Living (can be such a dull ache)

**Author's Note:**

> The referenced sexual assault is Chloe at the Halloween party. Not eating is sprinkled throughout, please be cautious whilst reading.

"Third wheeling cannot be that fun, Jere."

Michael wasn't wrong, even if he said it in that snarky tone that made Jeremy was to punch him in his beautiful face while simultaneously dying where he stood. It wasn't like Jeremiah Heere enjoyed joining Jake and Rich on their dates, or lying about doing so. But he preferred it over the alternate option. 

The alternate option, Chloe Valentine. 

She and Michael had become friends after the SQUIP incident, the same way Rich and Jeremy had bonded. While Rich and Michael could hang out without any incident, Jeremy did not have that luxury with Chloe. 

Instead he'd feel himself grow sweaty, his feet feeling like they cemented themselves to the ground. His mind flashing back to the night of the Halloween party, unable to say no, the fear that gathered in his stomach, harsh and uncomfortable words spilling from lips covered in smeared lipstick. 

He hadn't spoken to her since, unless in a group setting. In made his blood run cold but Jeremy could pretend, he had pretended to not be in love with Michael Mell since sixth grade, so he knew he was good. 

"Shut up, don't you have a movie to catch?"

Jeremy questioned, fiddling with the strands of his cardigan. It was a soft pink, Brooke had given it to him for Hanukkah, along with the knowledge that she had made herself a matching one.

"Oh yeah! You'll have to catch the next one, dude. Chloe thinks you're avoiding her."

Goosebumps found a home for themselves on Jeremy's arms, his throat feeling like it was closing. Unable to respond, he gave Michael a shaky thumbs up and ignored the strange look he got in return. 

-

"Pass me the ball, bro!"

As weird as it was the first time Jeremy had intruded on their date, the two had taken it in stride. Allowing Jeremy to hang with them even though they didn't know why he would rather hang with them then his favorite person. 

"I said to me tall ass! Not the street!"

Rich whined, throwing a tantrum while Jake laughed, going to retrieve the ball from the street. They were at the park, playing basketball or attempting to in Jeremy's case. Jake had claimed that Jeremy was probably good, he was tall and was fast enough. But Jake had also not gone to the same middle school as Jeremy and Rich, who both knew of Jeremy not even being allowed to try out for the team.

"It's not my fault!"

Jeremy pouted, ignoring the voice in his head that told him it was his fault and they hated him. "Whose was it then?" Rich smirked, Jeremey prepared to sigh loudly. "The wind?"

The loud sigh echoed in the wind before the two joined Jake in his laughter. If you had told Jeremy two years ago he'd be in a park, laughing with Rich Goranski and Jake Dillinger, he would've laughed until he had an asthma attack. 

"Jeremy, you don't have to tell us why you're avoiding headphones, but you should tell him."

Rich nudged Jeremy, ignoring the grimace that clouded the taller teens face. Jeremy inhaled, holding the breath before exhaling. The small pit of anxiety that always laid in him grew restless as he spoke. 

"I'm not. I mean- I'm not avoiding Michael."

Jake bumped his shoulder with his own, before slinging an arm around the brunette. Jake was taller, not by much but he had to bend to to do so. 

"Then what are you doing here with us? Not that we mind it! You're our friend and we want you to be happy."

Jeremy groaned, letting his legs become jelly and falling onto the floor. Jake yelped in surprise as the pale teen laid on the court, looking up at the clouds that blocked the sun. 

"I'm avoiding Chloe."

There. That was good enough. He acknowledged that he was avoiding someone, they could go back to laughing at his attempt to throw a ball. 

"Why?"

Jeremey heard Rich sit next to him, sitting with his legs sprawled on top of Jeremy's. A grunt came from Jake as he also sat, the basketball placed on his lap. 

The clouds moved slowly, not enough to uncover the sun so Jeremy could pretend the tears were from being blinded. 

"A- at the Halloween party, before I ran into Michael, I was with her. She said something about Brooke? I don't really remember how it happened, it just,"

Jeremy paused, trying to think of how to phrase what he was trying to say. The brunette wasn't a bad person, if she was, Michael wouldn't hang out with her. 

"Kind of did? We went to a room, and she tried to, seduce me? I- I mean, she was really drunk, she was slurring and she was a mess. Bu- but the SQUIP didn't let me say no, I wanted to say no. I was so scared, I felt dirty."

Rich had gasped, let out a quiet "oh Jeremy." Before pulling up the taller teen so he could hug him. Jeremy sobbed, his fingers clutching the extra fabric of Rich's t-shirt. Later he would apologize for stretching it out, but he cried. Cried for how he'd scrubbed his skin since then, feeling dirty from advances he didn't want and from the SQUIP. 

He'd gotten the damn thing, so it was his fault, none of this would have happened. 

"Buddy, why didn't you say anything?"

Jake asked when Jeremy's cries had subsided, only hiccuping as he tried to get his breath. He'd gotten closer to the hugging duo, his hands on Jeremy's lap whilst Rich's were placed on the pale teens back.

"She'd think it was her fault! It's my fault. Shouldn't have taken it. Shouldn't have upgraded."

Jeremy mumbled into Rich, exhausted from crying. His limbs felt heavy, but his heart felt even heavier, like it was hundred of tuns instead of the measly 12 ounces it actually was. 

"You can't blame yourself, Jeremy. You're going to kill yourself if you don't tell anybody these things."

Rich pleaded, letting Jeremy go so he could look into his eyes. Rich's eyes were hazel, mostly brown with a green ring in the middle, but as the sun was uncovered, there were flecks of gold. 

"That's the plan."

Jeremy joked awkwardly, wanting the conversation to be over. Rich shook his head, a frown etched into his features. Jeremy was sure if he turned his head, Jake would have a matching expression. 

"Jeremy, this is serious. Did you tell anyone about this?"

Jake asked, forcing Jeremy to look at him. Unlike Rich's mostly displeased face, Jake looked worried. His eyebrows furrowed, eyes wide, and his mouth tightly pressed together.  
Jeremy shook his head, feeling his brown waves move with him. 

"I thought you and Michael talked about the party? That you guys were getting better?"

Rich questioned, no longer looking displeased. Jeremy could deal with this, he'd already talked to Christine about this. 

"We did. I just, didn't tell about this. Or what the SQUIP did, he doesn't need to know. I'm pretty sure he knows about it killing Eminem though, I don't know how."

Jeremy shrugged, tried to anyway. He was sore from being alive. 

"Woah, woah, woah. What?"

Jake asked, eyes even wider if that was possible. The sandy blonde haired teen's reaction made the other two laugh, ignoring his muttering.

Rich stood up first, before giving a hand to Jeremy, pulling the teen to a standing.

"Come on, let's get you home, tall ass."

Jeremy smiled, wiping away the remnants of tears. The two walked, still ignoring Jake who was quickly catching up to the two. 

"I've been driving around a murderer?"

Rich cackled, pulling Jeremy along as he ran to Jake's red jeep. The doors were unlocked, so the two quickly filed into their seats. Jeremy in the back, Rich in the passenger side. 

With a button pressed, the doors were locked and Jake could not enter unless he said that Dominos had the best pizza. So they weren't leaving for a while. If ever. 

"If you don't want to tell headphones, you can talk to us. We're here for you, Jeremy."

Rich said, somehow able to be heard through Jake's screaming to be let into the car. 

"Thanks, Rich."

-

Getting out of bed had been difficult, he'd awoken at five in the morning, just like he had every day since he'd gotten the oblong pill. He knew his dad had already left, trying to beat the morning traffic. 

So Jeremy took a shower, staring at the scars on his body for way too long. It was even longer as he felt a shock go though him as he washed his hair, tensing up, he finished his shower. Barely drying his hair, Jeremy got dressed, grabbed his bag, and rushed out the door. 

Forgoing breakfast was fine, he felt nauseous already, so an unheated poptart wouldn't have helped anyway. Or so he told himself. 

He'd begun walking to school unless it was too cold. Michael had offered to drive him but the voice in his head, the one that sounded like Keanu Reeves had said that the Filipino teen was only offering out of pity. 

Jeremy had denied, and so he walked to school. He had gotten used to the walk so his legs no longer screamed in pain when he did so, plus he wasn't as scrawny as he was in the beginning of the year, instead sporting some barely there muscle. 

It was from hanging out with Jake and Rich, the SQUIP had made him do push ups when he got horny but the gym visits with the two had kept him in better shape. Plus he knew that Michael preferred athletic builds, twelve years of friendship lets you know your friends type. 

Too bad Jeremy's was Filipino teen boys, with red hoodies and glasses named Michael Mell. 

"Jeremy! Are you signing up for the spring play?"

Christine asked, basically running into him. Jeremy fumbled with his hands as the two walked side by side. 

"I don't think so. I- I don't think I like the theater very much anymore."

Jeremy stuttered, flustered that Christine would talk to him outside of school. Sure, they texted and talked in school but after a poor first date, the two had agreed that they were better off being friends first. 

"I understand, but I think you'd be great as Lumière. Oh, I wasn't supposed to say we were putting on. If you change your mind, that's who you should go for, or Chip!"

Christine spoke in one breath, smiling as she did so. The two were approaching school, with more teens attempting to go inside before the bell rang. 

"We'll see, probably not. I'll think about it?"

Jeremy was always bad at saying no to anyone, forget about saying it to Christine. 

"That's all I can ask for!"

Before Jeremy could say anything to fill the silence, Christine spotted someone she knew. Waving to Jeremy before skipping away, almost vibrating with excitement to talk about the play.

A smile on his face as he walked inside the school. Only seven hours. He could do this.

-

Jeremiah Heere could not do this. He was going to explode into hundreds of pieces and it was going to be all Michael's fault. 

"Please? You love Pinkberry!"

The tanned teen pleaded, not even flinching as Jeremy shut his locker a little too roughly. Michael had caught up to Jeremy after their class before lunch, which they should've been headed to. Yet here they were, in a hallway. 

"I have plans, Micah."

What a liar. He had no such thing, the most he had scheduled was going out to get milk. Even that wasn't permanent. But he could make it stretch a few hours, wandering the grocery store wasn't as bad as having a panic attack in the yogurt shop.

"You always have plans, what are you doing today? Hanging with Christine? She can come too!"

The two were at least walking now, Michael was walking, Jeremy was awkwardly trying to keep his pace with the other teens.

"No, I'm actually going out with Rich and Jake today. Maybe next time?"

Jeremy felt bad for lying, he didn't try to lie but he typically only interrupted one date a week, he had already did three last week. It was only Monday. 

They had made it to the cafeteria, the smell of nearly two hundred teen filled their noses as they waited on line to get whatever was being served today. 

"They can come too! I miss hanging out with my player two."

Michael pouted, sliding his tray along as they moved down the line. Jeremy slid his down as well, grabbing an apple and what looked like cardboard chicken tenders. Michael had avoided the paper mache meat and grabbed spaghetti with broccoli. They left he line with their trays, heading to the table where the rest of the SQUIP squad sat, already eating.

"I think they already had a place, don't worry we've got our Sunday to kick some zombie ass!"

Jeremy placed his tray down, sitting next to Brooke who smiled at him before continuing her conversation with Jake. Michael sat across from him, with Chloe on his left. 

Chloe sent Jeremy a raised eyebrow that made him want to shove that peanut butter and jelly sandwich Jenna was eating down his own throat so he'd go into anaphylactic shock, he knew Michael had his epi-pen so he wouldn't die, probably. 

"What's wrong, Michael?" 

Brooke asked, apparently done with her conversation. Michael sighed dramatically, throwing his head back as he spoke. 

"Jere is missing out on pinkberry to interrupt Rich and Jake's date."

Jeremy grimaced at Michael's wording, mouthing at apology to Jake who shrugged, shoving his own chicken tender into his mouth, nearly making Jeremy gag. 

Brooke turned to Jeremy, his attention away from the horror that was Jake eating cafeteria food. 

"Come on, Jeremy! I'll pay for your froyo if you go!"

Brook sung, trying to get him into agreeing. But Jeremy shook his head, smiling softly at the blonde, noticing she was wearing the matching cardigan. 

"Not today Brooke, sorry."

She pouted, before turning back to her food to eat before classes began again. The conversation changed, which Jeremy was glad for, he'd given his arts and craft lunch to Jake, actually gagging at the older teen thanked him. 

Until Rich sauntered up to the table. 

"What's up not winners, I've got some time before I ditch for today."

Christine guffawed at Rich, throwing a spoon at him before turning to Jeremy. 

"I raised you better then him, don't be like him."

Rich threw the spoon back, rolling his eyes at Christine, who stuck her tongue out at him. The two were like children. Nearly as short as some too, at the shortest two in the group. 

"Rich! Tell Jeremy he should leave you two alone and come with us to pinkberry."

Brooke waved at the dirty blonde, pulling him into what Jeremy thought he'd gotten away with. 

"Us two?"

Rich tilted his head, obviously confused as to what she meant. Brooke sighed, going to answer before Jenna interrupted. 

"Michael is trying to have Jeremy go with him, Brooke, and Chloe to Pinkberry. Jeremy said he's hanging out with you and Jake, Brooke tried to bribe him and he didn't accept so you're their last hope."

Jenna clarified for Rich, looking up from her phone which was playing some kind of video that contained a very fluffy dog. 

"Oh yeah, our plans."

Rich didn't sound too sure of what was going on but he played the part. He sat at the table, the only empty space was next to Jeremy and across from Michael. The table was quiet for a second too long, and Jeremy's heart began to race. He didn't like the silence, didn't like how he never knew what to say. 

"You can't enjoy third wheeling that much, dude! What's going on?"

Michael's voice rang out in the cafeteria, getting the focus of practically every teen in there. Tears filled Jeremy's eyes, his fingers clutching the end of his cardigan, it was getting hard to breath. 

He could feel the stares of eyes on his back, nosy people ready for the next story that would be traded like cigarettes, become gospel until it was stretched too thin and holes could be seen through what it had become.

He barely heard Rich's answer. 

"He's not third wheeling, Michael. We're dating."

That makes the lunch room go even quieter before it gets filled with talking again, Jeremy looked up to see his friends all over the place. Brooke sitting next to him, a comforting hand pressed on his back, grounding him from the panic that was set into his bones. Her other hand now attempting to wipe the tears from his eyes.

Christine was sat next to Jake, who had paused his eating of the cinnamon haired teens chicken tenders to look up at Rich. Jenna was sat on the other side of Christine, she'd been talking about the new play they were putting on, how Jenna was gonna help with costumes. Jenna had been on her phone, the video with the dog still playing as if letting Jeremy know that time was still passing.

Chloe though, she looked like she was on fire. Her eyes were practically black as she sent glares at Rich. Rich, sat straight up. Shorter then Michael by a good three inches, yet still looking strong. His hand had found Jeremy's and was holding it, as if strengthening the story.

Jeremy couldn't bare to look at Michael so he didn't. He kept his eyes on the table, ignoring the few tears that evaded Brooke's gentle touch and landed on the soft material of his sweater. His hand feeling the callouses on Rich's hand, the few burns that were there. 

"What?"

Michael asked, voice a lot softer then before. Jeremy didn't look up, instead he chose to wipe his eyes with his free hand, letting them become the gross red he'd get from rubbing them raw. He looked up once he was satisfied they were not wet.

"He can't go with you today because we're going on a date, to Sbarro's!"

This time it was Jake who spoke up, his cardboard tenders haphazardly strewn on his tray. Rich nodded, making a sound of agreement with Jake's statement. 

"Oh, why didn't you tell us? This is amazing! when did you guys get together?"

Christine asked, her brown eyes twinkling at the news. She was always happy when people got together, something about new love making her feel like the world got a little kinder. 

"A week ago, Rich kissed Jere. I kissed Jere, you know what they say, whatever happens in panda express, stays in panda express."

Jake said, nodding with what he said, as if trying to believe it himself. Christine nodded along, as if that was a real thing people said. 

"We'll have to schedule you in next time, Jeremy! Can't have your boyfriends monopolizing all of your time!"

Brooke said, giggling as watched Jeremy flush. 

The bell rang. 

Jeremy had eaten nothing. 

-

"Dating, Rich?"

Jeremy slid into a booth, holding a plate of garlic knots and marinara sauce. They had ended up at Sbarro's after school, meeting up with Rich who was already there after ditching like he said he would. 

"It was the first thing that came to mind!"

Rich defended, removing cheese off of his pizza to eat it first. Jeremy groaned, shoving a garlic knot into his mouth, wincing at the temperature of the bread.

"Hey, look at the bright side!"

Jake said, sliding into the booth with way too much food for one person. Three slices of pizza and a large drink. 

"What's the bright side?"

Jeremy couldn't think of one, so there couldn't have been one. 

"I'm dating a murderer which has to get me some kind of street cred."

Jake said, mouth filled with the first bite he'd taken. Both of his "boyfriends" grimaced at that, Rich pinching him while Jeremy told him to chew with his mouth closed. 

"You're also dating the person who set your house on fire, babe. You're just crazy."

Rich laughed at Jake shrugging, they were past the fact that the shorter male had burned down the house, Jake and his mom had moved, and he'd managed to get her to not press charges on Rich. 

"I hadn't even come out of the closet."

Jeremy groaned, inhaling another garlic knot as he whined. 

"Woah! We could put some patches on your bag, match headphones hoodie! A couple look!"

Rich grinned, enjoying the deep pink that adorned Jeremy's pale cheeks. 

"Shut up! If I'm dating you two, it won't be a couple look. It'll just look like I'm a cheating bastard."

Rich's smile fell as he nodded, agreeing that wouldn't be a good outcome for anyone, especially Jeremy. 

"I've never heard you call Michael by his name before, babe."

Jake said, surprising already halfway through his third slice of pizza while Jeremy had only eaten two garlic knots. 

"I haven't. It just slipped out?"

Rich sheepishly smiled, his nose scrunching up as he did so. Jake cooed over him.

"Okay, how do we break up?"

Jeremy asked, making the two look at him before shrugging. 

"We give it a week, we do couple things and then break up on Saturday after that. Say it didn't work out and we're better as friends."

Jake decided, wiping the grease off of his fingers on a napkin. Before gathering all of the garbage at the table. Most of it had been his, but Jeremy thanked him as he threw it away.

"And we make Michael jealous at the same time! Two birds, one stone."

Rich clapped, as if that was a good plan. 

"Yeah, no. That goes under things I'll never tell Michael Mell."

Jeremy said, standing up from the booth and walking towards the door. The two followed, telling Jeremy all sorts of ridiculous ways he could confess to the Filipino teen. 

The drive to Jeremy's house felt like it took forever, even though it was really only ten minutes away. 

"You could tie him to me and I'll jump on a pogo stick as you invite him to prom?"

That was Rich's idea. 

"We're juniors Rich! We don't go to prom!"

The last three ideas had involved the pogo stick and Jeremy didn't care enough to point out that he'd seen Rich on it and there was no way he could hop on that with Michael strapped to him. 

Also Rich would take that as a challenge. 

"We're here!"

Jake interrupted another sure to be bad idea from Rich as he announced their arrival at the small house.

"Thanks dude, I'll see you guys at school tomorrow."

Before Jeremy could hop out of the jeep, Rich clicked his tongue, making Jeremy freeze.

"No way, Jeremy. We're dating! I'm a gentleman, I'll pick you up."

Jeremy shot Rich a look before rolling his eyes. 

"Rich, you can't drive."

Jeremy couldn't either, he was too anxious to be on the road, he did have a permit though. 

"Okay, Jake will pick you up! Two boyfriends, babe."

Jeremy flushed, slamming the car door as he rushed away, able to hear Rich's laughter from the front door. 

This would not be a fun week.

-

Tuesday morning, there they were in Jeremy's driveway. 

"You don't have to do this."

Jeremy said as soon as he buckled up, passing Rich a bagel he'd grabbed from the kitchen. It had butter, as Jeremy didn't like cream cheese, neither did his dad so they never brought any.

"Yeah we do, I said we would. Friends help each other out."

Rich grinned at Jeremy, crumbs of the bagel on his lip. He had split in half, giving the other piece to Jake who was eating and driving. 

"Thanks."

They drove in silence besides for chewing. With Rich, Jeremy didn't mind the silence. He knew what it was like with the SQUIP, knew how valuable the silence was. Jake was dating Rich, knew the quirks. 

It wasn't until they parked at the school did they speak again. When Jeremy had been ready to book it to his locker to avoid everyone that would try to get gossip out of him. 

"Heere, wear this."

Jake shoved a jacked in his hands, making Jeremy pause. "Did you just make a pun?"

Jake grinned, green eyes nearly closing and a dimple on showcase. Looking at the jacket, Jeremy realized what it was. A varsity jacket, from one of the sports Jake did. 

"I can't wear this!"

Jeremy said, nearly dropping it.

"You gotta."

Rich said, closing the car door with a grin that made Jeremy nervous. 

"Why?"

Jeremy asked, knowing that he shouldn't have once the question fell from his lips.

"Cause I stole your cardigan!"

And with that, Rich ran into the crowd of teenagers, ignoring Jeremy calling his name.

"Jake! Look what your boyfriend did."

Jeremy grumbled, walking alongside the taller teen into the crowd. Jake laughed, finishing the last of the bagel. "Yeah, that's my Rich."

Jeremy sighed, trying to pass the jacket to the teen. 

"Nah dude, you wear it."

They had approached Jeremy's homeroom without the brunette teen realizing that Jake had walked him to class. 

"Won't you get cold?"

People were staring at them, which made Jeremy wish he was wearing his sweater, it was the best thing to fiddle with as it covered what he was doing, now he just stood there like a fool. 

"Nope! My heart will keep me toasty knowing you're warm, baby."

Jeremy flushed, ready to try to kick Jake in the shins. But before he could, Jake ruffled his hair, pressed a kiss to his waves and walked off to his classroom. 

A groan escaped his lips as he entered the classroom, it was always chilly. Begrudgingly, he put on the jacket, surprised that it was still warm from Jake wearing it. 

Ignoring the looks he got from the class was not going to be fun, but at least he'd be warm. 

-

As he'd expected, people talked to him to try to get him to speak, and also just stared at him wearing a jacket that definitely didn't belong to him. Like the bold "Dillinger" wasn't giving it away. 

At his locker, Michael met up with him. A weird look on his face, an expression Jeremy hadn't seen before. He couldn't read what it meant.

"So, Jake's jacket?"

Michael pointed it out, raising an eyebrow when Jeremy flushed deeply and stuttered out a "y-yep!"

The two typically walked to lunch together, they only had one class together on Wednesday and Friday, and that was later in the day, last period. 

"Why are you pr-"

Whatever Michael was going to ask was cut off by Rich jumping on Jeremy's back, laughing at the brunette tried to steady himself. 

"Hey, sweetheart! Jake and I are going to Wendys, you coming? Oh, Michael you can come too!"

The expression Michael had on before came back, as he shook his head, saying he was going to the cafeteria. 

"Okay, see you later, headphones!"

When Michael walked off, Jeremy hissed to rich, trying to have nobody hear him.

"What was that?"

Rich shrugged, his hazel eyes twinkling in amusement. 

"It's a guy thing, Jere." 

-

Wednesday and Thursday went practically the same way, an article of clothing that was obviously not his was given to him, he was walked to class, and taken out for lunch. He'd be called some form of endearment that would make him blush and whenever Michael got that look in his eyes, one of them swooped in. 

Today was Friday, and Jeremy was so ready for the weekend. 

He'd slept over at Jake's house, so they didn't have to wake up so early. When they woke up, he hadn't expected to be given one of Jake's shirts for him to wear at to be told to use Rich's soap, but he was a pushover and did like the said. 

When they were out of the house, stomachs filled with smoothies Jake had made, that tasted surprisingly good for how much protein Jeremy saw them fill the blender with. 

Parked in the same parking spot, Jeremy went to get out but Rich stopped him. 

"Jeremy! Before you leave, you can totally say no, would you be willing to let Jake or I give you a hickey?"

Rich asked, his cheeks flushing, less then Jeremy's but still a nice shade of pink. 

"W- what? Why?"

Jeremy stumbled over his words, not even caring about how dumb he must sound. 

"Well, today is the last day we're together, and we thought it'd get some rumors around so when we do breakup, people think it's real?"

Jake said, turning his head so he could look at Jeremy. Jake was also flushed, but his ears were much redder. He had on Jeremy's cardigan, the pink one Brooke made. 

"Okay."

"Really?"

Rich asked, making sure he had consent. Not wanting Jeremy to feel like he was helpless, he was the one with a choice. 

"Yeah, I'm okay with it. J-just don't make fun of me?"

Jeremy was worried, of course. He barely had a first kiss, now he was getting a hickey?

"Which one of us?" 

Jake asked, his eyes shifting from Rich to Jeremy.

"Are you two okay with this? You can choose!"

Choices were hard, he'd already picked that he'd do it, he couldn't handle picking someone to give him the damn hickey. 

"We talked about it last night, Rich wouldn't have brought it up if we weren't, Jere."

That was his question out of the way, not to just, let someone suck on his neck?

"We can both do one?"

Rich questioned to no one in particular, but Jake and Jeremy nodded, that made the most sense, so no one's feelings were hurt

"Okay then, sit on my lap, Jere."

Jeremy blushed deeper, doing as Rich said even though he grumbled that it would be easier in the backseat.

"Not for us to do it at the same time, tall ass."

So Jeremy sat on Rich's lap, hands resting on his shoulder. Rich's hands were on the small of Jeremy's back, dangerously close to Jeremy's ass.

"Ready?"

Jake asked, one hand holding Jeremy's chin so his head wouldn't move.

Both boys made a noise of agreement and then it was happening. Two pairs of lips on his neck at the same time, marking his skin so people would think that he's theirs.

A whimper feel from Jeremy's lips as they adorned his skin with dark marks, he was slightly teary as they pulled away. 

"Alright, let's go."

Jake was the one to break the silence, shifting his pants, before opening his car door. 

Jeremy exited the car next, his neck feeling hot even with wind hitting it. 

Rich was last, cheeks almost as red as the varsity jacket Jeremy wore, or the matching one he wore. 

And the three walked into school, the two blondes walking Jeremy to class, Jake ruffling his hair and pressing as kiss the the waves, Rich kissing his hand. 

It was already a weird kind of day. 

-

News of Jeremy's hickies spread fast, the news already circling around like a tornado. By the time lunch had come around, the brunette felt like his cheeks were going to be permanently stained cherry pink. 

"Talk of the town has showed up!"

Jenna announced once Jeremy had arrived at the table, cooing over his reaction, which was to bury himself into the extra fabric of Jake's jacket. 

"Quiet, Jenna."

Jeremy mumbled, ignoring her laughing at him. 

When a soda hit his arm, he sat up, thanking whoever gifted him this beverage that saved him from melting into a puddle. 

"Thank you, Michael?"

The furrowed eyebrows from the tanned boy made Jeremy raise an eyebrow, he was already so tired of today, he just wanted it over. 

"Come with me."

Michael turned around, and walked out of the cafeteria. Shrugging at Jenna, Jeremy followed him, carrying the soda with him. They waled through the hallways, past classrooms, through the auditorium to get the door that didn't lock properly.

The two ended up in Michael's PT cruiser, Jeremy playing with the soda in his hands, unsure of what was going on.

The car started, and they drove away from the school, Jeremy thought about Christine telling him to not become like Rich, seems like he was worse since he was skipping three classes. Whoops. 

They didn't talk for a while, mostly because Jeremy was unsure of what to say and Michael was quiet. The radio sadly crooned a song in Tagalog that Jeremy hadn't heard, he hadn't been driven by Michael in a while.

"Why didn't you tell me?"

Michael finally asked, when the song was over. He was quiet, quiet enough that if Jeremy hadn't been straining his ears, he wouldn't have been able to understand what he was saying.

"Tell you what?"

Jeremy asked, not wanting to give away more then he had to. He couldn't know all of the secrets Jeremy had kept, the few things he had never told. 

"That you were dating Jake and Rich! That you weren't straight!"

Michael yelled, the sheer volume of his voice making Jeremy upset. What gave Michael the right to be upset, that he was acting like this?

"I did, dumb ass! Keanu fucking Reeves? I'm bi as shit! I'm not even dating them! They just helped me because you won't take no as an answer!"

Jeremy yelled back, furious. It had been such a long time since he yelled, since he had let himself be upset. It was always him apologizing for things he's done, letting people yell at him. 

"You didn't even say no! You just keep avoiding us! Why? Is it so fucking weird that I can have other friends?"

Michael yelled, pulling into a secluded street so he didn't crash the car with how angry he was. Even with his dark skin, Jeremy could see how red it was, with furrowed eyebrows that showed Michael was pissed.

"I did! I fucking avoided you so you could have friends other then me! That I didn't say I was uncomfortable around Chloe! That I didn't tell you 'Hey, I was almost assaulted at the Halloween party by your new friend!' or that the SQUIP nearly killed me!"

Jeremy squeezed the can, ignoring the pain that had grown inside of him, his own voice in his head telling him to stop, that Michael didn't know, that he never told him. 

"You never asked! Never asked how I was doing, never looked at the fucking scars that thing gave to me, that my asthma came back after he got pissed at me one day and made me forget how to breath! Never looked at my fucking notebooks that all say 'everything about me makes me want to die'! So, maybe I didn't tell you stuff, but after being in love with you since the sixth grade, I wanted to be fucking happy."

He unbuckled, quickly out of his seat and getting out of the car. Sprinting down the road until he couldn't see Michael's face, and even then he kept going, ignoring the fact he didn't have his inhaler, that his lungs burned and tears clouded his vision.

It wasn't until his body forced him to sit that he did, that he sat against some building and sobbed.

Deep screams wracked through his body and he was glad he was in a secluded part of town because, they would've thought someone was dying. 

It wasn't until the sun was setting that Jeremy allowed himself to call Jake to ask for him to pick him up, his voice hoarse. 

Jake had quickly agreed, he could here Rich in the background grabbing something as they left. Jeremy hung up. Watched the sun set and let his SQUIP tell him how awful he was, that he had fucked up again and should die, not for the first time, Jeremy couldn't help but agree. 

The jeep had gotten there pretty quickly, Rich helping Jeremy into the car, buckling him up before he got back into the passenger seat. 

The car ride was silent, the SQUIP filling him mind with thoughts too loud to turn off. 

When they parked, Jeremy mumbled his thanks and wobbled his way to the front door, locking it once he was inside. There was a letter on the table, letting Jeremy know his dad had been called to New York and wouldn't be back until Monday. 

Great. 

Step after step, Jeremy place one foot after the other and collapsed onto his bed. He couldn't care enough to strip off his jeans, of Jake's jacket. Instead he fell asleep in them, listening to whatever was left of the SQUIP that was telling him to die.

-

Saturday came and went, text messages from the group when they heard Rich and Jake had broken up with him. He was going to respond but then his phone died, so he didn't. 

The sun set and Jeremy slept.

The sun rose and Jeremy slept. 

It was Sunday, when Michael and Jeremy usually had their game night.

But Michael and Jeremy might not be friends, so Jeremy slept, warm in a jacket that wasn't his. 

The sun set, and Jeremy thought about skipping school tomorrow, 

He drifted to sleep, ignoring the growling from his stomach.

He awoke to see Michael sitting at the edge of his bed. Neither moved, instead just stared. 

The moonlight shined on Michael's face accentuating a split lip. Even though Jeremy was mad, he was so angry that he was sad. He couldn't let Michael be in pain so instead he gets up and tugs Michael into the bathroom, making him sit on the closed toiled as Jeremy cleans him up. 

He cleans up dried blood, bandaged cut knuckles and cleared away wrappers before putting away the first aid kit.

They sat in silence, in a bathroom. Like Halloween. 

"How long have you been here?"

Jeremy asked, his voice still hoarse from yelling, not drinking or eating anything did not help.

"An hour, maybe two."

Silence. 

Water drips from the faucet, Jeremy will have to tell his dad that it needs to be fixed. 

Drip.

Drip.

"Why are you here?"

Drip.

"You need me."

Drip.

The two slowly find there way back to Jeremy's room. Jeremy sit on his bed, in a nest of blankets that he'd made. Michael stands awkwardly and for a second Jeremy is pleased that it's Michael who is unsure of what to do. 

"Sit, Michael."

His nickname almost flows from Jeremy's lips but it's not an appropriate time to call him that.

Michael does so. Sits on the floor with his legs tucked under him, looks at Jeremy. 

"Halloween night. Chloe said Brooke wanted me, or maybe she said that she needed me. We ended up in a room together, Brooke wasn't in there. Chloe said she wanted me, that she needed me, not her best friend. She pushed me to the bed and I-"

Jeremy took a deep breath, letting the tears fall as he spoke, his voice soft. 

"I couldn't say no. I wanted to but the SQUIP wouldn't let me, wanted me to have sex with her. He could control me, could do almost anything he wanted at that point. It was only luck that Chloe gave me alcohol, that the SQUIP was incapacitated by it. I felt dirty, used. I had taken the damn pill to be loved, to find someone who could love me. And instead I had no control, I was so little. I wanted to die. That's why I didn't care that it made me forget how to breathe."

It had been horrifying when he realized that the SQUIP had followed through on his threats but once Jeremy was on the floor, slowly losing consciousnesses, he was glad he didn't have to deal with anything anymore. 

When he had woken up on the floor of his living room, he was disappointed but he carried on, living as normal. 

"It would electrocute me, when I slouched, if I blinked too many times, for anything."

Jeremy absentmindedly traced over the scars that were left all over him, a reminder of what he had done. 

"Show me?"

Jeremy could never say no to Michael. 

He removed Jake's jacket, he took off his shirt. 

Once the fabric was removed, the scars that resembled the lightning that ran through him were on full display, only for Michael.

Cold finger tip delicately touched them, tracing over each one silently. Only pulling off when Jeremy flinched. 

"What else?"

Michael asked, voice as soft as a whisper, barely there.

"It made me write in a notebook, the one on my desk, that everything about me made me want to die. Hundreds of times. If I messed up, it was twenty more. When I didn't listed I had to repeat it."

Footsteps on wooden floor, shifting papers, walking back and gently siting on the bed. 

Pages flipped open and Jeremy's stomach steeled. The sight of the notebook made him want to explode. 

Michael looked at every page, every spot where Jeremy took too long, where he didn't make his letters connect, where his writing was awful enough to constitute rewriting.

Last page flipped, before it became blank sheets, it was only a few. They had nearly managed to fill an entire notebook with only one sentence. All of it written in one pen, only the letter blue.

The notebook was placed on the bed, shut closed as they moved past it. 

"Sixth grade?"

Jeremy nodded, a smile on his face. 

"My mom left. You stayed."

It was simple, he had years to think back on when he figured out he loved his friend, and it was that night he had. Where Jeremy had lied on his friends bed, crying and Michael held him, neither one caring that the bed was too small for both of them. 

And he still stayed. 

He was sat on Jeremy's bed years later, split lip and bandaged knuckles. 

"Are you okay?"

Jeremy giggled it was quiet until it wasn't. When he snorted and he didn't care because this was his Michael.

"I don't know. Are you?"

Michael shrugged, Jeremy hadn't realized how tired the teen looked.

"I don't know either."

Jeremy held his hand, gently pulling him into the nest he'd created. Michael laid there stiffly, before relaxing into Jeremy. Their two bodies becoming one, soft snores filling out the room while the moonlight danced on soft skin. For tonight they slept, they were both unsure of what tomorrow might bring, and for once that was okay with Jeremy.

**Author's Note:**

> I haven't watched the musical, I haven't read the book. All I've done is read fanfic and watched like seven songs,,, so here!!! aaaa i have more fics coming so please get excited to read that. I wrote this in twelve hours,,,, please do not hate me thanks


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